she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My vagina just recognized that song.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
