you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
