at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
