I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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