I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
