dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
