Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
