Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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