im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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