dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
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