Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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