Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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