You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I looked at my own cervix.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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