So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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