Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
