So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
