i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
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Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
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When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.