just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
