it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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