Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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