After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
