This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
