I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
