Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
