if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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