look no pants
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
