this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
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the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
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maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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