He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
