Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
