Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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