Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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