I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
