I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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