don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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