so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
