I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize