I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
