Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.