If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...