She is in my trunk
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
