I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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