So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
