Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
