I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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