I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
