i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
