just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
