A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
