I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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