I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
