I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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