If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
