During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
