god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
