i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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