You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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