neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
