I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
