.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Im part way to drunk.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
